3 Ways to Reduce Conflict

During my engagement season, I spoke with one of my married friends and I asked her when she and her husband had their first fight or something along those lines. She knew I was curious as a wife-to-be, and so she answered honestly. 3 months was the timeline she gave me; and now that Jonah and I have reached that point, I can see where my dear friend is coming from.

But 3 months is not when fights are supposed to happen - that’s not what I’m getting at and neither was my friend. Rather, 3 months is a general point in marriage when comfort takes place; a routine is in play, and the husband and wife are familiar with the day-to-day tasks. And if neither are watchful enough, a conflict is most likely to occur.

I can’t take credit for any of these, but here are 3 different strategies to battle (or “prevent”) conflicts that Jonah and I have learned and that I think every couple should know how to implement…

Put It On The Table

Jonah and I learned this strategy during marriage counseling. Put It On The Table is a codeword for “Let’s talk about this later”. For example, Jonah and I could be at a family dinner and I happen to bring up a fault of Jonah’s that causes everyone to laugh. After the meal, I happen to wash dishes. As I do so, Jonah could then whisper to me, “I need to put something on the table” (it’s important to note that this codeword is most appropriate when used quietly if in a public setting). At this point, I would assume that I have caused tension between us.

However, this may not be the case either; Jonah could have had a bad day and may want to talk about it when we get home. Once we arrive home, Jonah would then most likely tell me what he wants to actually “put on the table”. When putting it on the table, Jonah and I would have a discussion without emotion and without excuses. In the case of bringing up his faults at the family dinner, Jonah would tell me that what I said was unnecessary and hurtful, and instead of talking back, I would (or should, at least) apologize.

Things to note with Put It On The Table:

1. The codeword gives room for both parties to breathe; the conversation (the putting on the table) should not occur immediately after one says, “Let’s put it on the table”. The conversation shouldn’t take place a month later either. Perhaps, 24 hours at the most is enough time before putting it on the table.

2. It’s important for the one who uses the codeword to follow up on it later (if the other doesn’t bring it up first).

3. The intimate conversation (the putting on the table) should occur without distractions in the room. It’s not the time for an argumentative or emotional discussion, but rather it’s a conversation where both parties may agree to disagree.

Withholds

Jonah and I enjoy using this strategy (also learned from marriage counseling) quite a bit! This is another discussion that takes place, but it obtains a structure. Essentially, both parties come up with 3 things (2 things that they have appreciated and 1 thing that they didn’t appreciate) that the other person has done within the past 48 hours.

If Jonah were to go first, he could say that he has appreciated my cooking and cleaning but disliked the way that I go to bed without kissing him goodnight. However, the catch is that I can only respond with “Thank you”. And same goes for Jonah; I could say that I admire his morning prayers and the way that he compliments me, but I didn’t appreciate it when he forgot to take out the garbage. His response can only be “Thank you” as well.

Significance in Withholds:

1. It allows both parties to become aware of one another’s preferences/desires.

2. Both parties begin to realize where they fall short and seek forgiveness (this is the goal at least).

3. The strategy requires humility and patience.

Pass the Pen

Pass the Pen was learned from a devotional we read together. Jonah and I haven’t gotten around to this strategy yet, but we haven’t come across a situation where we needed to (praise the Lord). Basically, the pen represents the “talking stick”. Whoever holds the pen, expresses their concerns. I think it would be interesting to use this strategy with Put It On The Table. I think this is useful (if executed properly) because it requires…

1. Attentiveness - passing the pen allows for deeper listening and understanding.

2. Humility - it’s an activity that requires you to think before you speak. Also, while listening to the penholder, your perspective of the situation could change within the process.

3. Patience - this strategy prevents both parties from lashing out back and forth. Instead of hearing bits and pieces, you obtain the whole side of one story.

---

These strategies are just small steps you can take, but none of them are effective without prayer. If you’re not relying on the Lord in your conflicts, where does your strength come from? We are not capable of handling things on our own. We may look to our significant other for support and encouragement, but only the Lord can provide guidance, strength, and endurance. We must go to God first, for he has gifted marriage for the sake of advancing His gospel, the ultimate evidence of true sacrificial love. If we don’t involve Christ in our marriage, how can we embody His love for his people effectively? The purpose of marriage is not merely for our benefit but is used for bringing glory to God. If we understand this, our conflicts will be the least of our concerns.