Dating as a Christian: your (honest) mini guide to staying pure

Temptation is a real thing, and I don’t think I’ve felt the enemy near me more than when I was dating Jonah, which is why I want to encourage those in their dating season with this blog post.

If you’re anything like I was, you’re probably in denial, thinking that this is beyond you. But let me just remind you: it’s when you’re most comfortable when you’re attacked.

Now being on the other side, and knowing the mistakes we’ve made along the way, I want to leave you with 5 things I wish I did differently when I was dating Jonah (who is now my husband, thank the Lord). This is by no means a punishment for those who have pushed boundaries (we’ve been there too). I’m just sharing what I wish I had known when I was dating.

WHY WAIT

There is a reason we wait to have sex until marriage as believers. If you read Is Sex Bad? God's Design for Marriage, you’ll know that sex creates a special bond, a covenant - where two become one. This represents the special bond between the Lord and His people.

In other words, marriage symbolizes God’s love for the church (the bride of Christ), and how he sacrificed himself through death on a Cross for them, so that we might be His and live in His presence forever.

But know that we are broken people to begin with.

We don’t deserve love, forgiveness, or salvation… we literally deserve nothing but death. And because of how broken we are, there is no way but through Jesus (who is the COMPLETE opposite of brokenness) that we can be made whole. This is what’s known as the gospel (in short), and marriage is intended to demonstrate this.

So when it comes to intimacy, not only does it connect people physically, spiritually and emotionally (for better, or for worse if outside of marriage), but it is also a foretaste of the ultimate union we will have with God when Christ returns.

C.S Lewis said it best: "Sexual intercourse is the image of a greater and more glorious thing, a dim anticipation of that redeeming intimacy which, redeemed humanity can enjoy with God.”

If we are in Christ, as His bride, then we are called to live in holiness until our groom (Jesus) comes for us. Therefore, when we have sex before marriage, we are being disobedient to this calling of holiness, as it involves giving parts of ourselves to others rather than fully reserving ourselves for God.

THE GUIDE TO STAYING PURE

1. Commit to being in public places together

This may go without being said, but notice the first word: commit. This is not a one-foot-in one-foot-out kind of situation. By putting this commitment in action, you’re giving yourselves a strict boundary to follow. But just in case, have another source of accountability holding you to this commitment as well.

Okay, but what about moments when you have no choice but to be alone together, you might ask? Take for example, when you’re in a car. Well, that leads me to my next tip.

2. Be watchful of your conversations

As servants of the Lord, we are not called to cause another to stumble (Romans 14:13), and a lot of the ways we can do that is through how we speak to one another. It’s lovely when you compliment one another and express how much you love each other, but there is a point where it can get a little offside.

How do you hold your tongue during such a time? Avoid beginning a conversation with “I wish…” There are too many places you can go with that start of a sentence. Any time you feel like discussing your intimate desires and how amazing you can make one another feel in that moment, hold your breath. LITERALLY. If it helps, have questions ready on your phone that you can bring up or just don’t talk at all.

Should you never talk about the details of intimacy and your expectations going into it? No, you definitely should – but if you decide to do so, try to be in a public space where you can’t get close to one another. Jonah and I were on a paddleboard in the middle of a lake (a lake with a bottom we didn’t want to risk touching) when we had a deep discussion on this topic.

3. Agree to keep your phones out of the bedroom before going to sleep

You shouldn’t just be watchful of your in-person conversations, but especially any conversations you have virtually – especially at nighttime. Virtual conversations at night can lead to more than just words on a screen. Let’s just leave it at that.

Have a time that you can both agree on to call it a day and say your goodbyes.

4. Be careful what you watch and listen to

The music we listen to and the movies (or even 5 second videos) we watch have more power than what we give it credit for. It’s best to just keep your phone out of the room at night, set screen times – and if you have to – download the app, CovenantEyes which takes honest accountability to a digital level.

Unsure if what your watching or listening to may be a trigger for you? If your answer is YES to these questions, you should be in the clear:

1. Does this honour God, as it aligns with His Word?

2. Does this honour the body, helping me to see my brothers and sisters in Christ (especially my significant other) in a healthy light?

3. Does this honour myself, helping me work towards my sanctification and giving me a greater admiration for my Lord and Saviour?

4. If I had a family member sitting beside me, would I let them see/hear what I'm watching/listening to?
   

If it causes you to feel something you know you shouldn’t, it’s best just to turn it off.

5. Kiss Upright

Very simple, but prevents a lot from happening! Shoutout to my old youth pastor who taught us this one.

This is nothing to be ashamed of. God created us as intimate beings, and so we should honour Him in fulfilling this purpose – but in the way He intended it to. Hence why you see Christians getting married young in today’s day and age.

If you take anything away from this, let it be this:

If setting these boundaries is too difficult for you and you’re a genuine disciple of Christ, get married.

Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a house to live in (renting is totally cool) or a full-time career (be wise, of course – but don’t let money be a hindrance), let marriage take priority.

Marriage is God’s design (Genesis 2:24) and preference for those who lack self-control (1 Corinthians 7:2-3)–period.

If now isn’t the time, then it isn’t the time–but at least let it be on your radar if you're dating. My husband always says, "If you're not ready to marry, you shouldn't be dating."

However, if dealing with temptation is the least of your concern because boundaries have already been pushed, know that there is healing and forgiveness in Jesus, so long as you seek it from Him (2 Corinthians 7:10-11).

As always, you can leave your questions below or find me @humblyyours.blog to chat more.